In honor of the season, I decided to review a porno DVD with a horror film flavor and coincidentally this silly little tidbit came across my transom just in time. Camp Cuddly Pines Powertool Massacre is one really long DVD, my friends, and it comes with all kinds of extras. The set includes three discs, but I didn't have the energy to watch them all. I barely got through the feature. It was that long.

In addition to the actual movie, you get commentary and "choose your experience," which means you get to watch without music or in German audio, whatever that means. On disc 2 you can watch bloopers, casting, trailers, behind the scenes stuff, the Rayford Cam, cartoons and scenes of The Girls of Camp Cuddly Pines. Disc 3 contains extended sex scenes, photo galleries and mucho promotional material, including sex scenes from two other Wicked pix. I don't know what the package retails for, but you definitely get a whole lotta smut for your money!

The porn stars are acting and emoting all over the place here. The lines are all pretty hilarious and they're obviously enjoying themselves. Where they may not be enjoying themselves is in the boring, formulaic sex scenes. Granted, there plenty of them. But there isn't one second of cunnilingus. What the hell is that all about? Have women's orgasms become that unimportant? I think not! I'm a porn consumer (okay, porn watcher…tough to consume when it's, like, free) and I like to see at least an effort made…a few quick flicks of the tongue in good faith. Sheesh!

Aside from the lack of clit licking, the sex scenes are the same old stopwatch sex: three minutes of cocksucking followed by fucking in three different, drill team-esque positions, culminating almost exclusively with the extended tongue come shot. Yawn. Thank goodness for the ridiculous dialogue! Though I don't know how many people buy porn for the guffaws.

The script utilizes bits and pieces of The Blair Witch Project, The Ring, I Know What You Did Last Summer and the classic Texas Chainsaw Massacre. And, like any good horror flick, the characters get killed one by one as they wander off on their own.

Except the twist here is that it's sort of fucking by elimination. The couplings occur by default as everyone else winds up dead. Well, sorta. But you get the picture. It's pretty entertaining. The babes are all hot, most especially in the insane asylum scene, when Manuel Ferrara gets not double- or triple-teamed but quadruple-teamed! Yeah! There's a whole lotta sucking, fucking and ass licking before the climax, when the girls each get their last few licks in before Manuel sprays all four of their upturned faces. Nice! I also enjoyed the "creepy chick" sex scene between our badminton team captain and Nicolette Sheridan. Between her goth makeup and jerky movements and his hilarious lines, it was by far the most entertaining screw.

And though I was pretty tired of the seemingly endless movie by the last scene, it was a damned hot one. After the suck and fuck, Masterson single-handedly (dickedly?) DPs his porno slut date by jamming a dildo up her ass. That's damn fine dickin'!

I don't know what to make of this overall. It was fun, if a bit lengthy. I prefer more female-pleasin', or at least a few side servings of kink, in my porn. This shit was so straightforward I'm totally convinced that the heartland is definitely watching a lot of fuck flicks. There's nothing in here that would, you know, frighten the horses. Well, except for the horror movie murdering and powertool massacring, I suppose. I got a kick out of it!

Camp Cuddly Pines - by Abby Ehmann

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