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 "Did
we mention that it's the hottest porn video we've ever seen?" Blowfish raves
on their website about their new video, The
Crash Pad -- but that doesn't necessarily mean anything. Sure, Blowfish's
last release, Friends
and Lovers, was not only one of the best flicks of 2005 but one of the
best porn discs ever made, with the kind of realism you can taste and performers
so hot I had to refrigerate my DVD player. But, you know, I mean, Blowfish
made this movie, so of course they're going to say they like it.
To be more accurate, The Crash Pad is a joint production of first-time director Shiner Louise Houston's Pink and White Productions (which calls itself "Porn for Pussies") and Blowfish -- which, in case you've been locked in the basement for the last decade, is one of the coolest purveyors of alt-porn and sex toys that ever graced the Mission District -- and hell's bells! is that saying something. Houston herself has done time at the venerable Good Vibrations, another San Francisco institution, so you'd expect the flick to have the distinct bouquet of Fog City. No disappointment there -- The Crash Pad feels like a San Francisco production through and through. And why not? San Francisco is known far and wide as the place dykes come to play, and seems like the perfect setting for the kind of down-and-dirty, no-holes-barred female fuck-fest that The Crash Pad promises.  The
premise is simple: There's a little apartment somewhere in San Francisco
-- the crash pad. It exists solely as a place where dykes can live out their
hottest fantasies, where dangerous femmes, bad-ass bois and adventurous
butches can tryst to their heart's content. The key passes from hand to
hand, but there are a few rules -- 1) call before you go, 2) answer the
phone if you're there (or leave the phone off the hook), 3) it's first-come,
first-served, and 4) you can only use the key seven times -- then you must
pass it on. The opening scene is a sizzler, with quickly-building heat between Dylan Rion and Jo being interrupted when Jiz Lee and Simone happen along -- seems Dylan and Jo didn't answer the phone when it rang. No problem, though -- as you might expect, that's when things start to get interesting, as Jiz joins in and Simone watches rapturously. It's a great way to start the action, and it only gets better from there. A breathtaking scene between Dusty Ryder and Roxy Ryder -- a real-life couple, we're told on Pink & White's website -- culminates in Roxy's most copious ejaculation, with what is possibly one of the most authentic female orgasms ever filmed. The chemistry between those two is palpable; you can feel the texture of it through the screen.  But
the standout scene is still to come, with a wrestling match between the
boyish Jiz Lee and Shawn that turns quickly into some of the most intense,
realistic sex ever put on video, ending with another ejaculation scene --
but this one has a twist that knocks the concept of the facial cumshot on
its ass. More importantly, it tops off the sequence with a powerful and
-- I'm saying it with a straight face -- romantic sensibility. The Crash Pad's final scene is a solo outing from Jo, a lovely and realistic masturbation scene -- hey, don't forget that crash pads everywhere exist not just for couples or groups -- a little alone time can be just as much fun. Throughout the feature -- and in Jiz & Shawn's scene in particular -- the skillful application of a kind of slow-grind urban-ethereal music both adds energy to the scene and takes off the rough edges that are the natural detractor of real-world sex -- producing something midway between high-quality commercial porn and the dirtiest music video ever made. Something about the videography makes it feel like film -- and would give the whole thing a Golden Age feel, if the performers weren't clearly dyed-in-the-wool pierced-and-plucky San Francisco queers, as familiar to Mission dwellers like me as the Bay Bridge and Bagdad Cafe -- just folks, you might say. Their style might seem, to some porn consumers, more off-the-beaten-path than Jenna Jameson's, but to me they're the girls next door.  A
healthy helping of extras, including interviews with Houston and the cast,
storyboard comparison, outtakes and trailers are well worth the time once
you've savored the 60-minute feature. Add in Houston's optional voice commentary
throughout the flick, and you've got something that feels more like a cultural
document than like your typical DVD porn. But it is porn, and that's why you'll buy it. As porn, does The Crash Pad work? You bet your fucking balls, sister. I have no idea if lesbians will like this kind of feature -- and, in fact, I don't give a flying fuck. I'm writing this review myself precisely because I think niche marketing is bullshit, and if there's ever been a flick that proved it, it's The Crash Pad. I believe that whether you're male-bodied, female-bodied, grrrl, boi, butch, femme, straight, gay, queer, none or all of the above, the porn you make should stand on its own erotic merits – and this title not only stands, it kicks ass. Oh, I'm not saying it's not made to formula -- but in this case, the formula is simpler and truer than anything ever conceived of by Porn Valley: ART + SEX = PORN. The Crash Pad is as good as it gets. The Crash Pad Blowfish Video (DVD) 2005 Starring: Dylan Rion, Roxie Ryder, Dusty Ryder, Jo, Jiz Lee, Shawn Director: Shiner Louise Houston Will Appeal To: Who the fuck knows? Just buy it.
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