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Joan Kelly's The Pleasure's All Mine is the moving, insightful and very sexy memoir of a professional submissive. It follows Kelly through her early (and abortive) attempts at erotic power play, her days working as a pro sub in a Southern California Dungeon, and her time working as an independent pro-sub -- one of the very few. But it's not just the relative rarity of her profession that makes Kelly's memoir a delight; it's a frank and thought-provoking chronicle for anyone who's ever come out into BDSM, particularly as a submissive. Kelly took a few moments to chat with Eros Zine about The Pleasure's All Mine, writing in general, and her life as a professional submissive. Eros Zine: How did your book come to be written? Had you always wanted to write, or was the experience of pro-subbing so rich that it spurred you to write about it?
Eros Zine: Were the chapters that make up the book taken from any kind of memoirs or diary entries written during the time the book takes place? Or were they constructed from memory later? Joan Kelly: Some of it was from memory and from notes I'd taken over the years, and some of the chapters were written right after the sessions happened. The chapter about Jake, for instance, was one chapter I started writing the same night I got home from our first session. Eros Zine: How has public response been to the book? Did it surprise you at all that people would be so interested in reading a book about a pro sub, or did you expect it? Joan Kelly: It didn't surprise me that some people would want to read the book, because folks seem willing to read about other people's sex lives all the time. I have been a little surprised at how unfazed a lot of "normal" people are by the subject matter, though. BDSM is just not as taboo as it used to be I guess. Eros Zine: Toward the beginning of The Pleasure's All Mine, you give a very frank description of your not very satisfying experiences at meeting of Threshold, the main BDSM organization in Southern California. Have you since gotten involved with any other BDSM groups, either social or educational? Did readers seem to take offense at your frank comments on Threshold? What advice would you give to new scene members, particularly to female subs, as to how to best utilize educational organizations like Threshold? Joan Kelly: I met with the Threshold group several weeks ago for a reading and question/answer thing about my book. Most of the people who showed up hadn't read the book yet, but a couple of them had and nobody seemed bothered by anything they'd read. I had a great time talking with them, by the way. They were really cool. I'm not a big group person, but recently I did join the LA RAWW mailing list, and I'm interested in checking out some of their events. As far as advice to people who are just starting to explore kink, I'd just encourage them to ask as many questions as they want from as many different people as possible, and to consider the source in whatever weight they give to the answers. I think I fared better by working on trusting myself and my instincts rather than on looking for some particular group to count on and belong to. Eros Zine: The first encounter you describe in the book is your "scene" with Clark -- before you were a professional. His skills in topping leave you wanting, to say the least. Later, after you'd gone pro, were there similar experiences with clients? Was it a different experience to be with an incompetent, inexperienced or indifferent top when you were in a professional context then when you were "dating"?
Eros Zine: Throughout the book, while you enjoy your profession, you also describe intimately some very romantic yearnings you have. Do you think it's easier or more difficult to find romantic connection since you started exploring BDSM, especially in a professional context? Joan Kelly: I think that finding love is hit or miss for everybody. Maybe the odds slim down a little when you throw in a need for spanking, but the only added difficulty I've noticed since I started doing professional sessions is that, naturally, some people simply won't date a whore. And I'm too lazy to lie about my job or hide it from anyone, so that narrows the field a little more. Not nearly as much as I originally feared, but some. Eros Zine: Partway through the book, you meet some very powerful female tops and begin to have romantic crushes on them, as well. Before you started subbing, did you consider yourself bisexual at all, or were you interested in exploring that? Do you think BDSM helps break down those boundaries of sexual orientation? Joan Kelly: I've never really thought I was bisexual. At times I've thought I was straight, but mostly I've thought I was a big old dyke who was afraid of how intense it would feel to really fall for someone. Since I can enjoy sex with men, it felt easier to just do that for a long time, and then have a different kind of intimacy with women. I don't know that the kink factor helped me deal with my gayness anymore easily (although thank God something finally did), but it does seem like women are a lot less homophobic amongst kinksters than in the general population. Heterosexual-identified women will comfortably play with other women in really erotic ways, and even have sex with other women, and people don't seem as preoccupied with defining who's what. Eros Zine: In the book, you describe how you went "independent" -- and you're still one of a VERY small group of pro subs who do not work with a domme and/or out of a specific dungeon. You describe some great experiences in the book, but also write about having some fear for your safety. What steps do you take to keep yourself safe when working independently?
Eros Zine: Toward the end of the book, you switch a little bit. Have you explored topping further since you wrote the book? What's it like? How does the little bit of switching feel, given that you identify as a sub? Joan Kelly: Actually I was switching and topping people for a long time before the book came out. Since I sold the book partly on the fact that there wasn't anything like it out there, it wouldn't have gone over well with my editors if I'd included a lot about my sessions as a switch or domme. And I don't really identify as a sub at all, and never have. I've never thought of myself as "a submissive." I get turned on by some things that come under that general heading, but I get turned off by many more things that also come under that heading. That said, I wasn't willing to switch in session for a long time. I had tried topping when I was pretty young, with my first boyfriend, and it had bothered me how much I liked making him scream back then. No kidding, I really worried that I was some kind of closet serial-killer-in-the-making, and I just wouldn't engage at all with that part of me for a long time afterwards. For better or worse, I've gotten psychologically used to topping people since then and I do it all the time now. Eros Zine: In the book's closing chapter, you have a very hot scene with a guy named Jake and then enjoy the fantasy of it afterwards despite some nervousness about what would happen in the future with Jake (or other partners). What I took away from this, especially the book's closing words, was the message that learning to accept and experience your own pleasure was really what the book's ultimately about, the journey you take from your earliest yearnings to the place you are now. Is that more or less correct, and were there other important messages you wish people could take away from this book, or is it really just about documenting your own experiences? Joan Kelly: I don't think I've ever had an undue amount of hesitation about experiencing my own pleasure, considering how little it takes to get me on my back, ha. But, like a lot of people, I have struggled with hating myself over the kinds of sex I wanted to have, and the kinds of sex I've had but didn't want to, and the sadness and shame of going along with stuff that wasn't okay with me. I hope the book conveys how important it was for me to learn how to be on my own side, no matter what anyone else says or wants.
Joan Kelly: I don't have any experience with it myself nor do I really know anyone who has done that or is still doing it. I don't know how or why or if it works for other people. I do know that I personally wouldn't want my life to revolve around pleasing someone else, even if they were concerned with my pleasure as well. And on the flip side, being in charge of somebody else all the time, every day, takes way more energy than I would ever be willing to expend. Eros Zine: What's your favorite toy? Joan Kelly: In the right hands, a hairbrush. Eros Zine: Favorite bondage gear? Joan Kelly: If gags are considered a piece of bondage gear, I'd have to go with that. Otherwise, I love the feeling of someone putting cushy leather cuffs on me. Eros Zine: Favorite piece of bondage furniture? Joan Kelly: Spanking horse. Eros Zine: Last but not least....favorite food for a wind-down after an intense scene? Joan Kelly: A really delicious full meal at a nice restaurant. Eros Zine: I second the motion. Readers can buy Joan Kelly's The Pleasure's All Mine at Amazon.com. Thanks, Joan!
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